Guilt

This blogging thing is tough! Everytime I think of something that I want to write about, my first thought is "did I mention that already?". Ugh. I don't have a great memory on a good day (I blame residual pregnancy-brain) and I am too lazy to go back and read through every post. So, please just skim this if it all sounds familiar.

I have started to wean Charlie. I love it and I hate it. I remember this when I was weaning Jack, only the circumstances were different. He was 4 months old, and it was hard to nurse him. I am still not sure what reason, or combinations of reasons, made it hard (I frequently use he wasn't interested, low milk supply, tongue-tied, new mom-it is, and some other that I, surprise!, can't recall right now) but it was a tough decision for me. I remember things were getting bad the starting of May, 2003, and I would go back and forth on if I should wean him or not. There were days where I was crying, it was so hard, and I just said enough. And my husband would say sensitive things like "Are you sure it is ok for him to have formula?". Or he would discuss the problem with his brother, and brother would say "Wow, [his wife] breastfed [their son] for 9 months and never had a problem". And Chad would tell me what he said. So, in light of all of this support, I would re-think my decision and continue on. Or we would have a good nursing day, and I would think "I can do this". At the end of May, we went in for Jack's 4 month well baby visit, and I spoke to the doctor (now, anyone who knows me in real life would know that things had to be bad for me to actually speak to a professional about a problem). The doctor, who is pretty old school, and I still am not sure if I like that about him, said "Go ahead and stop. It isn't as important as it was the first couple of months, and he will thrive just as easily on formula". It was so good to hear, and I never nursed Jack again. (We had pretty much been weaning the whole month; I think he was only nursing at night by that point). I never looked back, and it was a great decision. But expensive!

So, this time around, I was determined to nurse longer. Mostly for the financial reasons. With Jack, it never felt like it was easier to just nurse him than make him a bottle and hold him while he ate it, etc. With Charlie, it did. I got comfortable with nursing. I didn't feel as tied down with Charlie as I did with Jack. Hell, I already had one kid to tote around, what was another? I read up on breastfeeding a lot before I had Charlie and I think that helped. And Charlie is just a different kid. He wouldn't sleep in his crib for ages. Always wanted to be held. Slept in our room until he was 5 months old! He is cuddly and sensitive and sweet, and almost polar opposite from outgoing, lively and independent Jack.

But he is getting hard to nurse. He is so easily distracted, as most babies are this age, but how do other people chugging along? And now with me working 3 nights a week, he gets a bottle those nights and has been sleeping GREAT. So, we decided to give him a bottle every night and it has been fabulous. He pretty much sleeps 12 hours (sometimes wakes once soon after he goes down, and sometimes once in the middle of the night). I wanted to just do this one supplement for a few weeks, and then add another. But it is hard to get him to nurse in the afternoons! And, now that he sleeps through, we kind of miss an early morning feed, so somedays I only nurse him once! That isn't good for my milk supply. And yet, if he gets totally weaned, I can get some time back! My mom has already expressed a desire to have him overnight, and it would be so wonderful to do that! To stop watching the clock and wondering when I should nurse him again so that I will be able to nurse AGAIN before I go to work! UGH, it is just driving me mad. And yet, I know that formula is an expense I would really like to keep down right now. We have so much money flying out the window at the moment, that I like to try and control that as much as possible.

Anyway, if you are still with me, I guess I just need to get things out. I am going to keep trying to nurse a few times a day (if for the weight loss benefit only!!!) and see how things go. Not stress about it. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. In 20 years, will I even remember this?