Guilt

This blogging thing is tough! Everytime I think of something that I want to write about, my first thought is "did I mention that already?". Ugh. I don't have a great memory on a good day (I blame residual pregnancy-brain) and I am too lazy to go back and read through every post. So, please just skim this if it all sounds familiar.

I have started to wean Charlie. I love it and I hate it. I remember this when I was weaning Jack, only the circumstances were different. He was 4 months old, and it was hard to nurse him. I am still not sure what reason, or combinations of reasons, made it hard (I frequently use he wasn't interested, low milk supply, tongue-tied, new mom-it is, and some other that I, surprise!, can't recall right now) but it was a tough decision for me. I remember things were getting bad the starting of May, 2003, and I would go back and forth on if I should wean him or not. There were days where I was crying, it was so hard, and I just said enough. And my husband would say sensitive things like "Are you sure it is ok for him to have formula?". Or he would discuss the problem with his brother, and brother would say "Wow, [his wife] breastfed [their son] for 9 months and never had a problem". And Chad would tell me what he said. So, in light of all of this support, I would re-think my decision and continue on. Or we would have a good nursing day, and I would think "I can do this". At the end of May, we went in for Jack's 4 month well baby visit, and I spoke to the doctor (now, anyone who knows me in real life would know that things had to be bad for me to actually speak to a professional about a problem). The doctor, who is pretty old school, and I still am not sure if I like that about him, said "Go ahead and stop. It isn't as important as it was the first couple of months, and he will thrive just as easily on formula". It was so good to hear, and I never nursed Jack again. (We had pretty much been weaning the whole month; I think he was only nursing at night by that point). I never looked back, and it was a great decision. But expensive!

So, this time around, I was determined to nurse longer. Mostly for the financial reasons. With Jack, it never felt like it was easier to just nurse him than make him a bottle and hold him while he ate it, etc. With Charlie, it did. I got comfortable with nursing. I didn't feel as tied down with Charlie as I did with Jack. Hell, I already had one kid to tote around, what was another? I read up on breastfeeding a lot before I had Charlie and I think that helped. And Charlie is just a different kid. He wouldn't sleep in his crib for ages. Always wanted to be held. Slept in our room until he was 5 months old! He is cuddly and sensitive and sweet, and almost polar opposite from outgoing, lively and independent Jack.

But he is getting hard to nurse. He is so easily distracted, as most babies are this age, but how do other people chugging along? And now with me working 3 nights a week, he gets a bottle those nights and has been sleeping GREAT. So, we decided to give him a bottle every night and it has been fabulous. He pretty much sleeps 12 hours (sometimes wakes once soon after he goes down, and sometimes once in the middle of the night). I wanted to just do this one supplement for a few weeks, and then add another. But it is hard to get him to nurse in the afternoons! And, now that he sleeps through, we kind of miss an early morning feed, so somedays I only nurse him once! That isn't good for my milk supply. And yet, if he gets totally weaned, I can get some time back! My mom has already expressed a desire to have him overnight, and it would be so wonderful to do that! To stop watching the clock and wondering when I should nurse him again so that I will be able to nurse AGAIN before I go to work! UGH, it is just driving me mad. And yet, I know that formula is an expense I would really like to keep down right now. We have so much money flying out the window at the moment, that I like to try and control that as much as possible.

Anyway, if you are still with me, I guess I just need to get things out. I am going to keep trying to nurse a few times a day (if for the weight loss benefit only!!!) and see how things go. Not stress about it. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. In 20 years, will I even remember this?

EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK

Charlie has learned how to scream, and isn't afraid to use it. For everything. And, let me tell you, it is getting old. It is like the newborn cry; I don't know why he is screaming. Is he tired? Is he bored? Is he teething? Oh, wait...he is hungry! I suppose if I were better at keeping a schedule for the boys (more like watching theirs, they are schedule freaks!) it wouldn't be so puzzling. All the screaming almost makes me look forward to work. Almost, but not quite.

In other news, I have started weaning Charlie. More like he is weaning me. It is tough to nurse him in the afternoons, and near impossible at night, and now with me working, he takes a bottle 3 nights a week as it is. And sleeps pretty great those nights. So, we are supplementing that feeding. I am torn between wanting him to be all done so he can go to his grandparents' house for the night, and wanting to hold on and get some breastmilk in him and have to buy less formula for the next 2 months. So, not totally sure which was it will go. I suspect, like most things, I will just look to Charlie. See what he wants. And go from there.

End of the Road

Took my mom out to see "the house" today. Ok, the model, but pretty dang close to what our house will be like.

She loved it, as I was pretty sure she would. But now there is a problem; everyone has seen the house. Chad's parents, his brother (heck, they saw so much they are building their own!), my sister and my mom. Ok, my dad has yet to see it, but I am not sure if he cares. Maybe he does, and that would be nice.

Now that (almost) everyone has seen it, what reason do I have to go out there once a week???

They haven't started digging the hole, which means there really isn't anything to see of our own, except our little piece of land. Heck, we don't even have to have our options picked out until the end of April! Ugh!!! I know, I have lots to do in our current house, and I am better served staying around here and packing or cleaning or, preferably, both.

BUT I LOVE BEING IN THE HOUSE. I love love love love love it. I still can't believe we are building one, and being in the model makes me feel like it is all real. Do you think they would notice if I brought a suitcase over and started living there?

Oh, and let me say, it is so very wonderful to have my parents home.

We Are Family

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but Chad's brother kind of bugs me. It has gotten a lot better, but is still there. Some tidbits from our past:

• He really didn't like me when he first met me. Something about me taking his place in his own family. Yeah right, like that could happen.
• On the day of Chad's graduation from college, after the ceremony, we went out for dessert (my hubs loves dessert). We had just officially set our date for our wedding, and Ryan was recently married to his lady. Theirs was weird, though, because she is Mexican, so they had a sort of quickie-ish wedding, to get her into the country, and then were planning a big ceremony here when she got here. Anyway, he turned to me (at the dessert place, when all of his family was away from the table, so there were no witnesses) and said "You do know that [the date of our wedding] is the day Maya and I were planning to have our wedding." Yeah, we totally knew, that is why we picked our date. Not because the church was booked every other weekend until November. Nope. And we are SO MEAN like that. JEESH.

That is all that I can think of right now. Poor Ryan has a bit of foot-in-mouth disease, I find it hard to believe he is malicious with this all. And he has some annoying habits (which, thankfully, annoy my husband, too, so we kind of chuckle together), like he is a close talker, and he always likes to give his advice, and he is competitive. Part of the problem with those habits (except the close talker-ness) is that I have those as well. I think it is a first born thing. But I think part of the disharmony with Ryan and me is that we are a lot alike. And I realize this, most times, as I am bitching about whatever is driving me nuts. But like I said, it is getting better.

Where am I going with all of this? It is looking pretty good like they are going to move into our new neighborhood. MY TURF. Woah, back up. Yes, I was actually thinking that this would be a cool thing a few days ago. I dig Maya (even though she has the audacity to share my birthday) and would like my kids to be close to their cousins. That was until I learned that they were looking at the only house available bigger than ours. UGH! And it just felt deliberate. Ryan called us on Saturday night (as we were leaving to go out; another one of his issues, he has bad timing) and was asking us some questions. Apparently they had been looking at the same builder, but in a different town, and was wondering about price differences, etc. Chad kind of talked to him more about our area/development, and then we offered to go through things with them, if they wanted. That was all we heard.

Then, last night, Chad gets an email from him (another thing, he never calls, always emails! ugh) saying that they are seriously looking at our area and has even been out there twice to talk to the builder. WTF?!? UGH. I go all freaky and call my sis. We discuss pros and cons (Chad brought up some good ones, like if we hang with the neighbors, do we have to always invite them? And when will their parents be moving to the neighborhood now?) and she settles me down. The size thing is bugging me, but I seriously love our house plan the most, so am ok with it.

Then I called Ryan. I just had to know more! We talked for a long time (which is weird!) and it was nice. He said that Maya was really pushing for our area, because in her culture, they are so close (proximity wise especially) with family, and she thinks it would be great to be closer to us (we are about 15 minutes away right now, but with moving, it would be about 30). He also discussed some options they were considering, and I learned that they are probably not going for this "bonus room"!!!! YEAH!! And folks, Denise now takes the lead! Ahhhhh, bliss. When he said that, all the stress flew off of my shoulders. I know, I know, it is sick. And, heck, maybe it wasn't about competition for them. But I know me (which means I kind of know Ryan) and I feel like it is, at least a little bit.

At any rate, they would be a street or three over, which is kind of closer than I would like, but also annoying walking distance (might have to get to know the neighbors so we can cut through). And hey, it might not happen.

****EDITED TO ADD: they are NOT 3 streets over; they are one. And their address is one digit off from ours (granted, on a different street). How many pieces of mail of theirs do you think we are gonna get each day?****

My Funny Little 8 Month Old

Charlie is 8 months old today, and it really has flown by. He is such a sweet little guy, despite his chronic sleep problem. He is so smiley and so happy, it is hard to stay mad at him. And he never holds a grudge! One minute his is so pissed that he has to stay in his crib and take a nap, and then I walk in there, and he is all smiles, kicking and flailing around. So sweet. Part of the problem with such a happy baby is, you don't know when he is sick. We had to take him to the ER last week, because his little cold was taking over. But all in the ER, when the doc is talking about true influenza and pneumonia and x-rays and with a 102.5 temperature, little Chuck is kicking away and smiling and looking so happy. Thankfully he didn't have any of those things, but it was headed that way. Some steroids and antibiotics have brought him almost back to health. Lucky little dude.

He isn't crawling yet, but it can't be far off. He can pull himself so high up, he just needs to get his butt up! He doesn't seem to understand that the butt and legs are crucial in crawling. He scoots himself around in a circle, and will roll around a bit, but he is getting frustrated about not crawling. He isn't a big babbler, and I wonder if there is just too much action around here, but what can you do. He loves being in the middle of it all and is really enthralled with his big brother. He loves to watch him and has been known to bust out laughing at something Jack does. It is really cute. Charlie's laugh is great; all throaty and guttural. You would think he was a smoker, if only he had such control over his fingers.

No teeth yet, either. My little late bloomer! Not sure when they will make their appearance, but for now he is so cute with his gummy smile!

I guess one word sums him up (still) -- SWEET. My sweet boy Charlie; happy 8 months, baby.

The New Gig

As per usual, I worked myself into a bit of a frenzy over starting my new job last night. Oh sure, I had already been there for training, so that wasn't new. I had already met some people, but I didn't know if they would be there when I was (the beauty of setting your own schedule). But I was obsessing about the JOB itself. The calling. Actually, more the rude people I could be calling.

It wasn't bad. I actually kind of liked it. I am not sure that I liked the calling, but I liked making money again. I liked doing something for my family. I liked doing something that would make our new, wonderful house a reality. It felt good. I never felt that before with regard to working.

I made about 100 calls (I was trying to keep track, but would often forget) and had 7 COMPLETED SURVEYS!!! 7!!! They said that it would take awhile for us newbies to get up to speed, but I never thought that 7 in 5 hours would be expected!!! So I told my supervisor (she is very nice) and she said that was GOOD! GOOD!! I am not totally sure if she meant that is good for my first night, or in general, but hey, I will take it.

Many of the numbers were disconnected. Got lots of answering machines. And some people who said it wasn't a good time. I had great success in Georgia (5 completes in 3 hours) and not as much in California (2 completes in an hour and a half). But like I said, it was good. They don't know who I am. It is ok and it is for a great reason!

Life in the Crazy Lane

Things are so nuts right now, that I have totally given up any pretense of blogging about the boys. I am a stress ball. Granted, things are a LOT better now that we have signed the purchase agreement for the house. I feel like that is a go (although they did call on Sun [I had missed a page to sign] and I was convinced we were out) and even started packing. Just the annoying things that seem to cling to the house.

Unfortunately, the job is sucking up all of my stress right now. I am sure that once I start officially calling people, I will be ok. Maybe the time will even fly by. Maybe I will lose even more weight (I have lost 10 pounds-ish since joining the gym) since I won't be sitting on my ass and eating at night. It will be nice to have some extra money (before we move into the new house, anyway) around, even if I am trying to save it all for trinkets for the house. But I can't seem to get past the bad stuff. Calling people in their homes for 5 hours a night!!! Chad's family was quite teasing me about my telemarketing job (I guess TECHNICALLY, it is, in that it is MARKETING FROM THE PHONE, but there isn't any selling, so I stand tall) and I don't blame them. Also, the 5 hours thing is getting to me. Ugh. But I really don't want to work more than 3 days a week. 3 is plenty for now. I am hoping that the cool chick I met (but whose name I didn't catch) will be there. She was nice. I think I may buy myself a magazine for tomorrow night. Something to read on break. And maybe some ciggies so I can smoke myself to death before I start.

In other news, we went to the gym today, after a week off, and Jack was GREAT. No crying, he voluntarily walked into the room and was fine!!!!!!! I hope he keeps this up. They still had to get me out of the pool, cos Charlie wasn't happy. But hey, I am calling it a victory.

What is Wrong with ME?

Ok, so I just had a major meltdown over a cake. Granted, it was a semi-difficult cake that I have been making for 2 days for Girl's Night tonight, but still, it is a cake. I:

1. Screamed at Chad when he helped.
2. After I asked him to help.
3. I mean SCREAMED.
4. I did this all in front of the kids.
5. I banged a spatula on the sink and chipped off a piece of it.
6. I yelled at my family to leave, and they did; Chad was crying.
7. I kicked the dog, because she was in my way (not hard, more of a kicking shove, but STILL).
8. I broke down screaming/crying
9. Then I kind of fixed the cake.

The cake looks ugly. I am sure it tastes fine, but looks ugly. Or homemade, as the joke in my family goes. Ugh. I just hate this. I would think that I am pregnant, but I literally just finished my period and you have to have sex to create a baby.

We watched the Notebook last night, and I have been in a sort of funk since then. Chad and I had a discussion about more kids; I cried. I think we have agreed to a third, but it still wasn't a great discussion. Then I went up to bed, and cried about my kids. About how much I love them. About how I don't want to get old. About how I don't want to have to leave them. That kind of crap. Had to wake up early to finish the cake from hell. Also have a day from hell. Signing purchase agreement on house at 10, Dinner/reception thingy for Chad's cousin at 1, then girl's night at 5. Chad is pissed; I was out Mon, Wed, Thur and now tonight. Two of those were work, but apparently work only counts if you are the breadwinner in this house. *sigh*. I feel blue. I think it is stress. I hope it is stress. I hope it magically recedes when I sign my name on the dotted line in an hour.

Of House and Home

Ok, so I just wanted to get this all down to that I will never, ever, never, ever forget the hellish stress that has been these last 10 days. A good/bad hellish stress, mind you.

We went to the Parade of Homes on a whim on Saturday, February 12th. It was the first day and we got the schedule with our paper. I took a look, found a couple of areas that looked like they might be doable for us down the road, and off we went. We found some we liked, but were too expensive, others that might be options, and then we stepped into the one. I prefaced our arrival by saying (mostly to myself) "now remember, this house is valued at $427,000, but there are other homes from $310, so there are other options". Then we walked into the kitchen (from the mud room) and I turned to Chad and said "I want this so bad". I was a goner. The house is a nice open floor plan, which works great for the lifestyle that we lead. It has 3 bedrooms with a loft (for an office), as well as an egress window in the basement if we want to finish that with another room someday. The dining room has pillars which adds some character that I think lacks in some new homes. It was gorgeous, and it was roughly $100K out of our price range. So, we looked at the other floorplans and took some literature to peruse. In the car, I looked at the floorplan and realized that the base price was $327K!!! Now that was a helluva lot closer to our budget! Not comfortably in it, but butting right up to it anyway.

My sister was out of town and getting back on Sunday. I left her a message, and when she called me back, I asked her if she would be willing to run out there and tell us what she thought of this house (she is an interior designer, so I knew she could tell us how they fit another $100K into the house). We were getting worried that land wasn't included in the base price, and that would really take us out of the running. So Lin stepped into the kitchen and said "well, I can tell you right now that about $30K was put into the kitchen". I blew out a huge hunk of air that I hadn't realized I was holding. Lin liked the floorplan as well and we discussed some options. Chad and I had kind of figured that if we kept upgrades to a minimum, we could maybe swing this house. And I got a job. That would definitely help, and my job would probably cover the increase in our mortgage. Great, everything was ticking along!

We made an appointment to meet with the real estate agent on Wednesday, the 16th, to go over options and see how expensive our tastes really were. We opted out of the $15K bonus room and the $1K vaulted ceiling in the master suite. We were just pretending, so we really tried to not look at the pricing when she asked what we wanted. I wanted to upgrade the vanity top in the master bath, just for purely selfish reasons. Chad wanted to insulate the garage, since they sheetrock anyway and if you wanted to insulate later, it would be hard to do. We did no upgrade to the carpet itself, but to the pad. So, minimal things. Then we walked through the house again (third time in less than a week) and took a look around. And I realized that that vaulted ceiling was pretty cool in the master bedroom.

We went home and obsessed. Or I obsessed and Chad tried to get me to quit obsessing. We decided that we would wait until my job interview. If my interview was good, we would be able to put $500 down to hold our lot. We had already decided that we didn't want to wait for the next bit of lots to be openend. That would put us closer to Feb 2006 to a closing (we had ideally wanted to moved in Sept/Oct 2006) but would also mean moving in the winter. Selling our current house over the holidays. And that the prices would go up (they went up everytime they realized more lots). If we went with one of the lots currently available, we would be rushed in selling this house, but would also be getting equity before the foundation was poured.

On Friday the 18th, I got the job. Chad still wanted to slow down. "A week ago we were fine where we are and knew nothing about this!" he would say. And I totally agreed, but it was a week later and this was reality. We both liked the house. The location was great for Chad, as it was closer to his work and his aging grandparents. It kind of sucked for me, since I am so close to my family and will be about 30 min from my sister and almost an hour from my mom, but I was willing to give it a go. Anyway, I said to Chad "I went for the job to get the house. I got the job, now let's get the house".

So, Saturday afternoon, before Chad and I were going out on a date, we dropped off the $500. We then set up the signing of the purchase agreement for Friday (February 25th) at 4 pm.

Next step was finding out if we could get a mortgage. Ok, so we were pretty sure we could, but you never know. Chad talked to the guy, and we were pre-approved on just Chad's salary on Tues. We then set up to meet with him for Wed to discuss our options.

Yesterday at 2:45 we met with the guy, Scott. We have several options we are chewing on right now. The first is a 7 year ARM, the second is an interest-only mortgage, and the third would be the regular 30 year. I just put in a call to our financial planner about the interest only. Basically, we would just put that money that would normally go to the principal, into an investment for several years. I want to talk to Joel (f.p.) and see if he thinks that is a good idea, and how long he thinks we should do that for before refinancing/paying down our principal. If he doesn't think that is a great idea, we would probably go with the 7 year ARM. The other thing to consider would be to lock into an interest rate now. They have this extended thing you can do for new builds, where you lock in now, and if the price is lower in 60 days before closing or whatever, you can take that for no penalty. We just have to put 1% of the mortgage amount down, and then we get that back at closing (and would probably cover all of our closing costs). So that is the other thing we are considering right now.

Other than that, we sign the purchase agreement on Saturday (the real estate agent had to change it). We have decided on the bonus room (my mom offered to loan us the money for that, since it is nearly impossible to add later), the vaulted ceiling, and a green exterior. We need to know all of that on Sat (they won't let two of the same houses, nor of the same color, next to each other. Pretty cool, huh?) at the signing. And then from there, who knows. This is all moving SO fast, and I am still waiting for something to happen that doesn't make it all doable. I really want this, yet sometimes question if we aren't making a bad decision. I just don't know. It seems like such a big step, even for a planner like me. But I guess big purchases are, right?

Working Girl

Well, I started my new job last night. Let me just preface this by saying, this is no rocket science job, and that is OK. It is part of the reason why I applied for it. Something easy to get myself back into working, something not very stressful so that I am not dreading going (although stress doesn't mean that won't happen), just something to make some money now. I am also keeping my eye open for something that pays better and will be closer to the new house. But for now, this will work just fine.

Now, when I had the interview (ha, if you could call it that; they had me wait 30 min, and the interview lasted 15, most of which was questions I asked!!!), I kind of got what this would be. It was 4:30, so most of the real office people (instead of us night phone people) were there. One guy, who I am wondering thinking might be one of the founders, or is at least up there (ok, also isn't saying much, since it is maybe an office of 30, but STILL) was wearing a kind of ratty sweatshirt and kind of ratty jeans. Hmm, kind of taking casual Friday seriously, hey? The interviewer was younger than I am (sadly, I am sure that is getting more and more common) but yet never offered me a drink or to even take my COAT OFF. They offered me the job on the spot and then told me that training would be Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Then she said something like "If that doesn't work for you or if you change your mind about this job, just let me know". OKKKKK, am guessing oftentimes that happens then.

So, over the weekend, as we were trying to figure stuff out about the house and talking to people, and telling them about my employment, Chad would say "she is way over-qualified". I kind of laughed at that statement, because who really knows? Sure, a panda could do interviews over the phone with a script, but all I have been doing for 2 years is wiping bums and playing paddy-cake. How can I be qualified for anything anymore?

Wednesday rolls around and I show up for the training. The room was filled! 15 people there were; I felt slightly less special. The first hour and a half of the training was reading from the manual. Shoot me now, please. Then a break (I wish I had brought a book), then we read over the current project they are doing. Oh, and we filled out our schedule for the rest of February and March. How many people do you think asked what the hours were on Saturday? I lost track after 5. Several of them were minutes right after the other. There were slightly less questions about Sundays (the only day we are required to work on the weekend, by the way), but there were still repeats. One guy didn't have 2 forms of ID (he was going to call his mom to see if she had his birth certificate. He looked at least 45, by the way). There was even one guy who looked about 65! And dudes outnumbered the women (not something that I would think I would find in a phone job). When we read through the script, many people had problems -- skipping words or adding words in or mispronouncing words. Granted, it could have been nerves, since we all didn't know each other, and after 3 hours and a 15 minute break we were supposed to perform. And at the end, one of the 2 ladies in charge said to me "I am not sure how long you will have to be here tomorrow night, since we ran through everything but the [software program]" which is fine by me.

All in all, this job will be fine. The people, both of the supervisors and the new hires, seemed really nice, and I think they would be good to work with. I am sorry if I act like I am above all of this, because I don't really feel that way. I guess it wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but why does that even matter? I do now think I am over-qualified for the job, but that isn't here nor there. I took it for the hours and the flexibility; for my family and for this house. We are on probation for 200 hours, and I swear, though, if I am fired and no one else is, I will wonder.

The State of this State

1. Got the job.

2. Getting the house.

3. Shitting my pants.

Things are Looking Up

Jack is finally getting back to normal. I took him into the doctor yesterday, just because he was SO miserable and I was starting to think that it was strep and not his teeth. Well, my mom put the idea into my head, but who is counting. Anyway, hauled ourselves in only to be told that nope, all looks GREAT. Not good or ok or anything, but great. Just great. And the doctor even had the nerve to say "So I really have no idea what could be causing his fussiness. It could be a headache, his teeth or just the age". ARRRRGGGHHHH. He said that he didn't take a good look at his teeth, and it isn't as if Jack was letting him take his sweet time with the exam, so I am no closer to knowing why my little man is so totally miserable. For now, I am going with the 2 year molar excuse. Oh, and the doc said to feel free to medicate. Great.

Anyway, things really do seem better today. We made it to the gym with a little less crying (I would maybe be saying none if Jack hadn't fallen on his way inside and gotten all worked up) and I wasn't called away from my activities, so I call that progress. Jack even resorted back to "please" at lunch and skipped on the way into the house! I was starting to forget he could be fun to be around.

And if all that wasn't good enough, we might meet with the builder tonight. I have been staying up late at night, just laying there and thinking about things with this new house potential. Figuring out what we would need, and do and if it is all doable. I feel like it is and this is right, but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. It is dangerously close to me wanting this too much, so I am trying to reign myself in. But I have a job interview on Friday, so I am at least working (ha ha) towards making this happen!

Also

I forgot the biggest news! I AM NOT PREGNANT!!!! I haven't had my period since Thanksgiving, and have been obsessing, but I AM NOT! Chad finally got me to take a test. WHEW. Feel good about that one. I am pretty sure that the sporadic-ness is due to my weight and nursing, not sure both or more one or the other or just one, but I have decided I will wait a few months, get the weight thing together, and get myself checked out if it still is absent.

Oh, and I have already lost 4 inches (total). Actually, that was last week, but it was the first week I had kept track! It sure does feel good.

Tidbits

In honor of Charlie turning 7 months old yesterday, (and me forgetting to document it with a picture), here is a little post about what has been going on around here lately.

Jack is officially a preschooler now. Wow, it is hard to believe. Especially since he won't be able to start preschool for a year and a half, but hey, it is just a label. And I think he is getting his 2 year molars in. And holy moly, are they a bitch. At least I hope that is what they are; I shudder to think what else the poor guy could be going through. It has been hard for me to get to the gym, because he is such a bear and has been taking his nap in the morning. I think he could even use 2 naps a day, but we end up running around in the afternoons and I haven't gotten around to it. We had to cancel his pictures on Saturday because he was such a grump and took an early nap. Hopefully he will be better by this Saturday, when I rescheduled them for.

As we speak, Jack is playing next to me, with the art box I gathered for him for his birthday. And I am all stressing and trying to control what he plays with, even though it is his toy. I guess it just took me a lot of planning and searching to find these things, and I don't want it wrecked like his Elmo book (he got a great lift-the-flap Elmo book for his birthday, and one page was ripped to shreds by the next day). I want him to explore this box, but treat it with respect. Wow, even as I write that, I realize how impossible that would be.

Anyway, life here is busy! The gym (when I manage to go) eats about half of the day (although I only swim for a half an hour, the getting packed up/jackets on/into the car/drive to the gym/get out of the car/coats off/cajole Jack to stop crying and get into the nursery/sign kids in/try and get Jack to stop crying/finally bolt out of nursery hearing Jack screaming still/change into my suit/SWIM/shower, oh bliss/get dressed/pick up Charlie and Jack who seems to not notice my arrival/put coats on/get into car/drive home/into house/coats off part is really what takes all of the time...whew, maybe I don't need the swim part, the pre- and post- stuff seems to wear me out as it is!) and then naptime and then it is 3 or 4! So I feel like time has been flying by and I haven't really been able to keep up like I should. We get together with Chad's cousin's wife and their son about once a month (try to anyway) and she emailed me before we went to CA and I STILL haven't gotten back to her!! Better try to do that today. We have checks from Christmas that need to be deposited and shifted into the proper accounts (doing that today). Charlie's pictures need to be doled out and Jack's birthday thank yous need to be finished (TODAY PLEASE!!!). UGh. I just need a housecleaning or chores or finish up my shit day.

And so what did we do this weekend? Toured the Parade of Homes and cooked up ways we could go deeper into debt. No, it was good. We have been searching for our next place to live for awhile now, and I think we found it. We at least found 4 or 5 options that we want to check out. The bad part is, most of it is far away from my parents, and I think my Mom will freak. That is why I am going to wait. I am going to try and wait to tell most everyone, to be honest. Just see how it goes and all that. Our favorite option is to build a new house, with a closing in about a year and a half. That gives us time to get our finances in order (I hope) and finish up all of our special projects on this house. I need to get the courage to email this builder lady to talk about pricing and options and whatnot. Some hard numbers so we can see really what we are dealing with here. And I need to probably get a job. *shudder*. Part-time and evenings or weekends only. There are some good prospects in the paper that I will try to check out today. Man, my list for the day is really getting long.

As for Charlie, he is a changed baby. All of a sudden, he has become inquisitive and energetic! He twists around on the changing table constantly. He loves his exersaucer and actively plays on it. If you put him on the ground, he rolls around and tries to get at things! I think my quiet little man is now my excited baby! He is also trying to crawl. He is kind of a long way off from it, but still, he wasn't trying to do that 10 days ago. He is really a fun baby, and the sleeping problems he was having 2 or so weeks ago seem to have sorted themself out (THANK GOD). Now I really think he will be the baby that is into EVERYTHING. Oh well, it was bound to happen.

Where Has it Gone?

Jack turned 2 on Saturday. In some ways, it seems like he has been here so much longer than that, but yet it has flown by. I know that this is a common feeling among parents, and people are always telling new parents that, yet I can't help but be shocked by it still. I look at my little man today and can barely recall the infant he was 2 years ago. I look at videos and photos from then and I struggle to remember the time. Not to mention what it was like to have just one child!

We spent Saturday together as a famiy, which is exactly how I wanted it. There will be so many oppurtunities in the future for parties "on the day", that I wanted it to be just us at least this one time. His party with the family and others is this Saturday. We went to the aquarium at the Mall of America and had such a nice time. Jack loved pointing out the fish and the turtles and seemed quite in awe of it all. To be honest, Chad and I were, too. It is a fabulous aqaurium, and I am thinking that next year we will get a family pass. It is so close by, and it would be nice to go in the winter during the day if we are feeling restless (and we have to pay for kids at 3 years old). We had lunch at the mall, too, and then we went back home. The original plan was to head to the rides in the mall, but Jack isn't very fond of them yet, and Chad and I were awful tired. Jack went down for a nice nap, and we just did some stuff around the house. We had a simple dinner and a Jell-o cake I made (it looked horrible but Jack liked it; he yelled "CAKE" for two days after it!) and then it was bedtime! Chad actually went back to the aqarium, since he said he was too busy with Jack to appreciate it, and I sat down to watch Jack's video. I watched his birth (ok, you don't actually see it, Chad placed the camera perfectly) and the hour or so afterwards is on there. At first I wanted to cut it shorter, but I like listening to it all and hearing what we were all saying. I cried some, it is just such a huge moment in my life, and I realized that there is no way I am done having kids. One more, that is all I ask. Chad got home as I hit about the middle of the tape, and we watched the rest together. It was a very nice evening and it went just the way I wanted it to. I am hoping that next year Jack will watch the video with me, with the new additions from this year on it. And hopefully for a few more years after that, until he is a sullen teenager who won't even sit next to me. But at least I will be getting a full night's rest (unless he is out, driving around).

2 years down, and hopefully decades and decades and decades to go.

Making Changes

Well, I am trying to make some changes around here.

1. Using less processed foods. Why do I need them; I am a fairly accomplished cook. Yes, my husband likes processed foods (for the taste, not convenience, since he doesn't cook) but it isn't good for him. The man has allergies, asthma and high blood pressure (from all his meds for the first two) and he needs to get his diet in order. What else is a wife to do? Tough love, baby. Anyway, it is amazing how many aisles of the grocery store you can avoid if you don't use processed foods!
2. Eating more in line with the FDA's food pyramid. I know, it feels a little like 6th grade. But I just feel like there is so much out there that I am missing, especially since the vegetables we tend to eat are potatoes, corn, peas and green beans! I want my kids to have a wide range of vegetables, to be comfortable with them and to carry that into adulthood. Plus, Chad and I also need them. I don't want to be stooped over and have rickets at 37! So I spent half of the morning (how did I even find the time?) researching it all and putting it into an Excel friendly document for me. I love to organize; hate to follow through.
3. Trying to control my overwhelming desire for chocolate. I am one of those women who will eat an entire pan of brownies in 5 minutes if given the chance (almost did last night). I am also very overweight right now, mostly to inactivity and to so many babies, so little time. And have you ever heard someone on those morning news programs suggest buying a fun size bag of candy bars, so you just eat that little bar to fulfill your craving? Yeah, entire bag here please. So, I bought one of those bags, and made a little promise to myself. You can eat them, you can eat the entire bag if you want to, but you can only have one an hour. I know, still can be lots of chocolate, but it works for me right now. I can fulfill that horrible craving and there are even some hours where I forget!! Imagine that.
4. I joined the Y. Yes, the YMCA. I love it. Most of why I love it is it is not brand-spanking new. Not shiny, not fancy, just normal. I love that. And it is filled with old people! What do I care about sporting a swimsuit when there are so many wrinkly people around. It is seriously great. My sister joined with me, so that we can make each other go. So far all I have done is swim, but I like that. It is kicking my ass and all I can handle is 20 minutes, but I like it.

I am not calling these resolutions. It is too late and I already made some. These are lifestyle changes and I really, really hope it sticks.

Pondering...

I read this on yet another one of my many blog-haunts, and it is just SO interesting, I had to put it here to ponder myself.

From Random Acts of Journaling You are given a gift of 1 million dollars (kindly adjust for currency in your location). There are some restrictions on how you can spend some of the money, as follows:

$100,000 must be donated to charity. What charities will you support? Something to do with children. Childhood diseases of some sort, not really sure which one.

$100,000 must be given to one person that you know. To whom do you give it? What would you expect him/her to do with it? Would you put any restrictions on its use? Would it make a difference if you could make the donation anonymously? I think that I would give it to Chad's parents, mainly his dad, and for him to use in his business. Not sure if that is totally legal, but hey, this isn't real anyway! Yes, would restrict it to actual business money, and with the stipulation that Chad's mom can cut down her hours or stop working all together. Not sure if I would make it anonymous or not...probably not.

$100,000 must be given to someone who has recently been in the news. Who gets it? Why? That man who lost his wife and 3 kids in the mudslide in Las Conchita. Although he kinds of bugs me, that must be a lot to bear, and he didn't seem like he had a lot.

$100,000 must be spent on a public beautification project. You can build a park, commission artwork, etc. What do you do, and where do you do it? Donate it to the Como Zoo to renovate its giraffe area....they need some room. I know it isn't much for them, but it is something.

$100,000 must be spent on a memorial to someone/something that you have loved and lost. What form does the memorial take? Who is it for? My aunt died soon after Jack was born, and she was a doctor and she went to the U of MN for her degree, so I think I would do something with their Ph.d. program there. Maybe buy something they need and dedicate it to her, or if they are building something, donate the money and ask for a plaque or something.

$50,000 must be spent studying something you have not formally studied. What will you study? Art. Watercolor painting, to be specific. There was this show on in England called Watercolour Challenge and I loved it and have since aspired to be able to do paint with watercolors.

$50,000 must be spent establishing a scholarship. What's it for and who will you name it for? I would name it for my friend from high school, Aaron, who died 2 weeks after Jack was born. It would be for swimmers who are also ok students, but no stellar kids. Just ordinary nice guys like he was.

$50,000 must be given away in a contest. What kind of contest do you hold? Hold a contest for kids at my old elementary school; whoever could read the most books in a week wins the money. Figure younger kids would be less likely to cheat.

$200,000 must be spent doing as many things as you can on your "lifetime to do list." Always wanted to see Alaska? Take a boat trip on the Rhine? What things would you do first? Go to Tahiti and stay in a glass bottom hutt. Buy/put a down payment on my dream house.

That leaves you with $150,000 of mad money. If the rules say you can't spend that money on things that might be termed "practical," what do you buy on your spending spree? Traveling around Europe. Clothes. Shoes. Gorgeous handbags. Jewlery.

And now for Jack

Here are the things that Jack are doing right now:

• Trying to figure out what he is saying sometimes is like putting together a puzzle! "Side" is outside. "Gigi" is Granny. Parker is "gar-ker" and Sadie is "day-di". More is his catch-all right now, for down, for up, for anything that he wants. More seems to get it done fast.
• He has the happiest little run. When he is happy, he runs fast and does this high-stepping manouver that is so funny and so cute. People openly smile and tell their companions how sweet he is. I never tire of seeing it.
• He loves Sesame Street, and letting us know who is on it. It is cool to see he is picking things up.
• If the mood strikes him, he will sometimes give you an unsolicitated kiss. It is so sweet.
• When you put him to bed (whether it is for a nap or for the night) he will say "Mommy, Daddy, Jack, Charlie"....that is in reference to the prayers that Chad says with him every night.
• He loves to dance and is really liking singing, too.
• He is wild about water, whether it is a pool or the faucet or the dog's bowl.
• He loves animals, dogs in particular. He is known to abandon people and playing to talk to a kenneled up dog.
• He will eat anything that someone else is eating. And he is a carb-o-holic. He is nutty about bread. We actually call him a food nazi, because inevitably, if you are eating, he wants it and does not take no for an answer.
• He loves to count, and oftentimes out of the blue will say "one" and that is your cue to count with him.
• He has just started taking people by the hand (or pant leg as the case may be) and leading them where he wants them.
• His favorite foods are apples and bananas. He will eat and entire bunch of bananas a day if I let him.

Inspiration

This morning I was reading a blog of this woman and her twin girls. Today's entry was all about one of them, just a list of little things about her that are sure to change one day soon. Things that will most likely be forgotten. And I thought that was a fabulous idea. In the moment, it seems like you will never forget, but I look back on pictures from Jack when he was 7 months old, and I can't remember that time. I have to think of a certain event, and then I can remember that, but I have a hard time recalling specific cuteness from then. So, I am going to start recording about both of my boys, and today we will do Charlie.

He still wakes up in the night, most times. Usually around 4 or 5, so I let it pass. He does not accept crying it out. I think he got his Mommy's genes and takes it personally.
I think he has an allergy to eggplant (going to confirm it with the doctor on Thursday when he goes in for him 6 months Well Baby Visit), his chin and any skin that surrounds his mouth turns bright red and looks a bit like severe wind burn. But it doesn't affect anything else, just that skin. Other food he has had so far: apricots (gagged on them yesterday, but they were very thick), green peas (wasn't overly fond), sweet potatoes (horrible vomiting incident and haven't fed them to him since), pears (likes them well enough), aforementioned eggplant (which he adores, by the way), squash (digs it), bananas (had a whole post about that) and avocado (not a big fan). Also he has had rice cereal (not the biggest fan, but only gave him in the beginning, and don't think he liked food in general then) and oatmeal (he likes something in it). Today will be the first day that he will eat 3 times (hopefully will get to it all); figured it was time. And I need to get my butt in gear, since there are still days I forget altogether. Whoops.
He loves the Johnny Jump-up, and thinks the exersaucer is ok. He is digging his interactive bouncy set now, tolerates gyms and still loves the mobile and aquarium thing. When he jumps in the Johnny Jump-up, his legs look like frog legs, the way the jump. It is so cute.
His hair is so all over the place. It sticks up on the top and the sides, and no matter what I do, I can never get it to stay down. Not that I really want to yet, it is cute. But I try, just to see if it will.
His eyes are gorgeous! He doesn't necessarily have the lashes like Jack does (although Charlie's are getting darker) but the color blue is beautiful. I really hope they stay blue.
He hasn't really been crying lately, he more screeches. And it is the same screech he does when he is happy, so I always wonder if I need to get him, or if he is fine (like, from his crib).
He is so mellow. He will lay on the changing table and just watch everything, and I swear I could leave him there all day, as long as the action isn't very far away.
He loves his toes. As soon as they are free, he throws them into his mouth, like a long lost love.
He is turning into such a happy baby. For the first 4 or 5 months, he would smile or laugh (you had to really work to hear those) but I wouldn't characterize him as happy. Mellow, chilled, content is what I would use (he is still those). In fact, it was hard to find good pictures of him, because he looked the same in the all; the same little serious face. Like a grumpy old man, only he wasn't grumpy (I swear!). Now, he is a bundle of happiness. I go to get him out of his crib, and it is like he can't contain his happiness at seeing me. He jumps around in his jump-up and looks so happy. It is so fun to watch.
And Charlie loves to eat. Now he is into the groove, and sees the spoon and the food and can't wait for me to shove it in his mouth. I need to plan better, because right now I strap him into the chair, get the food, he sees it and starts to get restless and then I put the bib on. Poor guy can't handle all that suspense! One day here I will get it together.
I am not sure if he does this when he is hungry, or tired, or what, but he will grab my ears and pull me in to suck on my lip. I love it so much, although I am waiting for him to rip one of my earrings out.
He wears 6 - 12 month clothes, which the length fits perfectly, but he looks like he is drowning in width-wise.
He isn't so chatty much, probably because there isn't room with a big brother and 2 dogs, but he will do this breathing thing, where he acts like he is hyperventilating or something, and just sit and do that. It was especially endearing when I was trying to decide if he was allergic to eggplant (wasn't related to the eggplant).
His skin is so beautiful and soft. Jack has almost always had eczema, so it got rough early, but Charlie's is like whipped butter.
He loves my pop cans. I was reading an email about what he could be doing at this stage, and it said that he may be getting up on all fours. Well, not my Charlie, I thought. I laid him on his stomach, and yup, no action. Then I thought....What if he had the right motivation? So I put one of my cans just out of his reach, and sure enough, he was trying. Granted, he couldn't get all the way up or anything, but he wanted to. So, now I know what to use when I want him to practice!

Going Public

I have recently started thinking about going public with this blog. In two different ways, actually.

1. Posting comments on other blogs and actually including my URL
2. Letting some friends of mine know about this blog

The problem with #1 is that I mostly read infertility blogs, and talk about kicking them when they are down, can you imagine reading about all my fertility issues? Also, it means that someone might actually read this blog. You think that's funny, huh? Well, right now there really isn't anyone I have to impress. I can throw caution to the wind and not spell check. I posted a comment on one of my favorite blogs today and I had to re-read it 4 times before I would post it. Oh, the pressure!!!!

The problem with #2 is, what if I want to bitch? Share things I don't want people I may ever see know? Not totally sure what that would be at the moment (hard to remember what modesty is when you have nursed in the busy food court of the Mall of America) but it could happen. And then comes the pressure again. Ugh, so difficult.

The nice things about someone out there reading this is that I would maybe post more. Before I started this blog, I was ruminating about it and always had ideas for good posts. Now, I don't know, I can't seem to summon anything interesting, especially since there will be no discussions, so it is all kind of just an account of what my kids are up to now. SNOOZEFEST. I think I will maybe start reading a Mommy blog or two (ok, I do read a couple now, but most started as infertility blogs) and then I won't feel like I am insulting anyone. Now that I have a plan, time to get my head around implementing it.

As far as the kiddies go, things are good. Charlie has started sitting up, which is hard for me to get my head around. It feels like he has been here forever, but I can't see him ever doing much more than laying around! So, this is a big step. He sat on the floor with me for at least 5 minutes this morning, and it was so fun. I really enjoy him. As for Jack, he is good. He is a little talking machine, and I hesitate to say this, but I think he almost understands everything. This morning I asked him to go to his room and get his cup (he is forever losing cups) and HE DID. Ok, may not seem monumental to everyone, but it was to me. And I feel like we are this close to understanding everything he says. Times, they are a-changing people.